The Boomer Master put their cane away and got comfortable behind a Boomers & Bigots game screen. Everyone else is setting up their character sheets preparing for the new campaign, Tower of the Orange Idiot. The rest of my team picked the normal boring classes like Social Justice Warrior or Liberal News Reporter; however, silence fell when I said I was going to play a Monk. Locking eyes with the Boomer Master, and I could feel their anger. They knew that I knew that the Monk class is always broken in every game it is in. Everyone knew the Boomer Master was going to throw the kitchen sink at the party just to kill my character.

Right out of the gate, we run into a party of Karens. Half of the team is befuddled trying to find their managers. Our Hipster Barista had proficiencies against obnoxious customers, but Hipsters never have any Wisdom so in the end they were wondering around trying to figure out why anyone would be annoyed by a $20 cup of coffee that they made. Turns out Monks get bonuses to all saving throws. Using only half of my 86 actions per round, I easily sent the Karens packing unsatisfied.

This did not please the Boomer Master, and I could tell my team was getting annoyed that I rolled a Monk. We were going to face harder and harder challenges in an attempt to kill me. As we made our way up higher in Faux Gold Tower, we cut the corner to a room full of computers. Only they weren’t normal computers. They were Mimics of Misinformation! Team started screaming about how Global Warming is junk science and that George Soros funded migrant caravans. Hrmm, wouldn’t you know it? Monks are immune to misinformation. My character casually walked across the room and unplugged the Mimics.

“The Monk class doesn’t even fit the theme of the campaign!” the Boomer Master yelled. I could tell they had hit their limit. A portal suddenly whisked us to the top of the tower. There sat the final boss of the campaign. A giant red cap. Our Simp team member instantly wet themselves so they were out of the fight. The SJW tried to check the cap’s privilege, but it didn’t seem to have any effect and the cap gave a loud deep bellow “WROOONG!”. I was down to 1 hit point. “WRONG!” the cap yelled again … I was still at 1hp. Now I remember. I picked the most scumbag of Monk subclasses so I couldn’t be taken below 1hp. The cap continued to scream as I picked it up and read the tag on it out loud, “Made in China.”

The cap burst into flames in my hands. Replacing the cap was the rarest legendary item in all of Boomers & Bigots. I had found The Pee Pee Tape.