“You’ve got ta pee on it, mon,” a random Cruzan advised a crying child on a beach many moons ago, great bit of wisdom for anyone who find themselves wounded by fire coral and a sea urchin at the same time. If you don’t know what fire coral or sea urchins are, you just need to know that they are the devils of the sea floor. Anyways, horrified by the prospect of pee as my salvation, I chose to endure the pain for another thirty minutes, convenient stores are far and few between on St. Croix, Virgin Islands, and get a bottle of vinegar as my ointment of choice. Even more disturbing, the fire coral had burnt the back of my left leg. Someone else’s urine would of had to sterilized that wound. Yuck!

Beaches have always had it out for me. On the cusp of becoming a teenager and having all the answers to all the questions of the universe as a free bonus to puberty, my family and I went to an island just outside Acapulco, Mexico. The beach was suppose to be amazing. And, after we docked on the island then hiked a trail that would challenge Indiana Jones, we found that the beach was as promised. The cove looked like it belonged on a postcard with high island rocks enclosing it for complete privacy. Six other tourist, all European and four were fit women in their twenties through early thirties, were on the beach tanning or on lounge chairs with drinks while engaged in casual palaver.

I imagine the locals back in Acapulco had a laugh sending a clueless American family to a beach that was clearly … a nudist hangout. After what it took to get to the beach, we were damn sure going to utilize it. I was a perfect gentleman and didn’t ogle at the women; I kept my eyes on the ocean while straining the range of my peripheral vision. The waves were a little rough and very sneaky. They could surprise a young preteen boy that was taking in the majestic view of the beach. Ahem, I cut my back on the surrounding rocky wall. I still have the scar today, though tiny now. After a long tear-filled swim, I clumsily made my way out of the drink.

Suddenly, I was accosted by four unknown attractive women concerned for my well-being. Turns out multiple naked female bodies surrounding you in all directions is the exact prescription needed to treat blinding back pain. Who knew? It was most likely due to all my higher brain functions seizing up. Still not sure to this day what those women were saying in their native language, but I’m pretty sure that I’m adorable!